*This piece is entirely satirical.

You know exactly the type of Instagrammer I’m referencing. The beach-bum lying around in Bali, or maybe the chick all dolled up in cashmere, sipping un café in Casablanca. These types look like royalty as they vlog about their Fab Fit Fun box — but remember they were once just like you, with a mere 500 followers. You too can get your very own LuLu’s promo code and here’s how: 

Step 1: Join Bachelor Nation. 

You step out of the Bachelor(ette) limo, and your grand opportunity has arrived. It’s time to make your first impression. No, not on your potential spouse, but on the millions of possible Insta followers. Look like a walking Dior ad, or dazzle them with your “here for the right reasons” speech and soon enough you’ll be a fan favorite, ready on your journey for love (and sponsorships, of course.) 

Step 2: Quit Your Day Job. 

So, you didn’t receive a rose at the Rose Ceremony. Use your moment on camera while it lasts and make a scene. Sob like a baby in the car, or even throw bologna on an enemy, Luke P. style. Just do what it takes! After all, any publicity is good publicity, right? With loads of new followers, you’ll be too overwhelmed to take people’s vitals or write legal briefs. It’s time for Instagram (IG or Insta), to be your full-time gig. And after all, a profession you’ve spent years working for won’t give you a life purpose…It’ll just keep you further and further away from that Fit Tea ad. 

Step 3: Document. Edit. Repeat. 

Once you’ve traded your Linkedin profile for Insta’s blue checkmark, it’s time to get to work. The first step is to become a 24-hour news station. Your followers must be up-to-date on what toothpaste you use, what Audible code you have for them and how you are liking L.A. You may be thinking, how am I going to edit this all to be cohesive — it’s not like I have all day? But have no fear, VSCO presets are here! Always use presets to get that #aesthetic, even on your stories and snaps. And if you aren’t selling your presets on your blog, expect to pay for that trip to Paris at full price, honey. 

Step 4: Craft Your Life Around IG

Never, ever, get Starbucks since you could just as well go to a chic cafe for only four times the price. Hanging out with a friend with only 1,000 followers? Think again. Being an influencer is all about getting ahead. So, if it isn’t helping your content, it’s hurting your content. Now, it’s time to find a boo with more followers so you can at least have a few photoshoots together in Mykonos and become goals. But if they can’t get a partnership with the Four Seasons, or at least Ferrari, it’s time to post your “We Broke Up” vid on your story. I mean, you have to gain the followers somehow.

You’ve completed the four steps. At this point, if SugarBearHair Vitamins hasn’t reached out to you yet, you better be sliding into their DMs faster than you can comment 20 heart emojis on your bestie’s selfie. If they have, congratulations! You’ve reached Instagram fame for just the cost of your soul. Next up, a famous Youtube channel, a makeup line that puts Kylie Jenner to shame and, of course, an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise.