*This piece is entirely satirical.
They say enjoy high school while it lasts, and that time goes by fast. They’re lying. Seriously, just drop out, don’t come to school (or at least don’t login) — it’s just not worth it. Follow your dreams, become a TikToker, YouTuber, actor or some kind of influencer. If that’s your dream, I promise passing physics isn’t going to do anything to help you achieve it. Why go through four years of torture just to leave for college and go into debt? You can just drop out, make money and pursue whatever your heart desires. If that’s not enough to convince you to give up on school, here are five more reasons why you should drop out:
Reason one. You won’t get emotionally manipulated by a senior boy. I don’t care how much you think you love him; you’re a minor, it’s creepy and he will leave you when he goes to college. But if you just drop out, you won’t have to deal with senior boys hitting on you.
Reason two. If you don’t go to school, you don’t have to deal with classes, especially geometry (because it is SO applicable to the real world). And if you are even thinking about taking accelerated physics, don’t — it’s not worth it. If you drop out that means no homework, tests or quizzes. Can you imagine a more perfect world?
Reason three. As everyone knows, the freshman class gets teased by the older grades every year. If you drop out, you will no longer be labeled a ‘cringy’ freshman (really, it’s the same insult every year). Instead, you can free yourself of that reputation by simply not being a freshman.
Reason four. You probably won’t get mono. Everyone knows of that one friend group where everyone ends up getting mono, because one of them kissed one too many people, and then shared a water bottle with a friend. Next thing you know, seven people are out sick. Do you really want to be a part of that narrative?
Reason five. You won’t have the chance to get a one or two on an AP exam. You may have great grades, and might even have an A in the class. It would make sense that you should get a five rather than the kid who was flunking the class. Right? Wrong. College board graders are notoriously bad, so chances are you will fail. And if you just drop out, you won’t have to deal with that ridiculousness.
So at the end of the day what does high school really give you? Good memories? An education? Life-long friends? A prom? The answer is no, (especially if you’re class of 2020). High school just brings heartbreak, disappointment and mental scars. Really, it’s an excellent metaphor for life. So drop out of school, give up and do something more productive with your time.