*This piece is satirical
Breaking up is already hard to do, so why not make it as memorable as you can? I’ve always believed that it isn’t just an ending, but instead the perfect opportunity to showcase your creativity! Instead of the rehearsed speech and sympathetic looks, I’ve crafted the perfect list of how to break up with someone. Any one of these tips will be sure to help you end things in the most special way possible.
Tip #1: Surprise!
Breaking up without any warning is by far the most considerate approach. By keeping them in the dark, you’re sparing them weeks (or months, I won’t judge) of second-guessing and emotional distress. One day they’re coordinating prom fits, the next they’re questioning everything they’ve ever known! Just rip off the Band-Aid: wipe your Instagram clean of any pictures together and tell them it’s over (in that order). If you value efficiency, this is the break-up option for you.
Tip #2: The gift that keeps on giving
If you are questioning the right time to break up with your significant other, look no further! Their birthday or a significant holiday is the way to go. Anyone can receive money or clothes, but a devastating break-up is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. This also ensures you won’t have to buy them another present ever again. Another plus (as if you needed more) is there’s no better way to make sure they never forget you. Relationships end, but pettiness is forever.
Tip #3: Choose your own adventure
A breakup should be one of two extremes: over text or in the most public place possible; there is no in between. Breaking up over text is perfect for those who have a busy schedule; quick and painless (for you). Bonus points if you send it late at night and follow it up with “no hard feelings, right?”, so they have a sweet message to greet them when they wake up. However, if you’re one for theatrics, breaking up in public guarantees a live audience and possible free dessert from sympathetic bystanders. And remember: the more crowded, the better.
Tip #4: We’re still friends, right?
Breaking up, but insisting on staying friends, is the most selfless decision you can make. Why do they have to let go of your support and friendship just because you broke their heart? Just think about it: they get all the confusion of staying friends with you, but none of the benefits from an actual relationship! It’s truly a win-win for you because you’re free of all commitments and have a new friend to listen to all of your new hookup stories and give you relationship advice.
Tip #5: Keep it in the friend group
If you decide to follow just one of my tips, please let it be this one. Homie-hopping immediately after your breakup is the best way to ensure you still get to stay in your ex’s life. Some may call it betrayal, I call it recycling! Besides, we all know you chose the ugliest friend to date. It keeps things exciting and saves you time in the long run from finding a whole new friend group to infiltrate. What better way to make sure your ex can never escape you? I’ve always said if you aren’t threatened with a restraining order, you aren’t doing enough.
There you have it: the ultimate guide to ending relationships with as much flair as possible. If you did it right, you are currently being talked about in a few group chats and have lost one to three friends. Forget honesty and maturity–life is short so burn some bridges! Also, if one of these options doesn’t seem emotionally scarring enough, try a combination of a few to end your relationship with maximum impact.
