Messing up frozen dairy is pretty difficult. It has yet to be done. But the idea that a four-pack of Yoplait can be tossed in a freezer and match up with the creamy deliciousness of ice cream is utterly preposterous.

Granted, frozen yogurt is enjoyable. It is fun to walk into the local Yo My Goodness and load the tart, icy substance with chocolate chips, gummy bears, sprinkles, whipped cream and a cherry on top. But once the toppings are gone, all that is left is a blob of mush pathetically sitting in the bottom of an oversized cup and quite a few regrets, the most prevalent being that an entire allowance was spent on four Swedish Fish atop a gloopy slush.

Truth be told, the only reason someone could possibly think frozen yogurt is comparable to ice cream is if they have never tasted soft serve. From a student survey, ice cream was voted superior by a massive margin. This is because there is nothing special about frozen yogurt. FroYo is nothing more than a building where you can make yourself a brainfreeze in a cup coated with hot fudge and Sour Patch Kids whereas ice cream is the perfect concoction of sweet and smooth atop a crunchy cone.

If health is the main reason ice cream is being dumped for frozen yogurt, arrangements can be made. Weight Watchers and Oprah Winfrey have endorsed Skinny Cow brand ice cream, scrumptious frozen treats all under 170 calories. Also, loading the “healthier” dessert with the variety of candies and nuts that are on display at these yogurt counters is probably not going to be any help for waistlines if that’s the consumer’s main concern.

Aside from the taste factor, frozen yogurt just cannot match up with ice cream’s tradition. Gorgeous summer evenings are not complete without a stroll through downtown Kirkwood while crunching on a cone from The Custard Station. Breakups go hand-in-hand with Ben & Jerry’s. There are few romantic comedies that do not include at least one scene in which a gorgeous couple discuss their fate over a banana split or hot fudge sundae. It would be borderline painful to watch Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck exchange googly eyes while feeding each other spoonfuls of half-melted yogurt.

No hard feelings, FroYo. You just don’t have what it takes.

And don’t even get me started on snow cones…