For one year, two months, one week and four days, I’ve had my driver’s license, and I’d consider myself a pretty experienced driver. There’s one aspect of driving, however, I just can’t cope with: awful drivers. In an effort to educate new drivers about these societal dangers and to serve as an intervention for those felons of the freeway, I’ve compiled a list, in no particular order, of the top five worst kinds of drivers on the road.

1. Reckless Roadrunners

The terribly confused “I’m above the traffic rules” driver. They stop for no one. Animals? No way. Children? Not a chance. These lovely drivers all have the same mentality that traffic laws do not apply to them. Believe it or not, the Department of Transportation created speed limits, yield signs, stop lights and other rules of the road for a reason. I don’t care how “sweet” those speakers are or how “awesome” that car is. Rules are rules, buddy.

2. Oh so s-l-o-o-o-w

We all know them, fear them and avoid them. Yet these sloths of the street are everywhere and take no prisoners. Ruthless in his quest to make everybody late and successful in infuriating others on the road, the slow driver makes sure that every person operates on his watch. Your wife’s having a baby? Oh, well since he insists on going 10 miles below the speed limit, don’t bet on arriving on time. But hey, maybe next time, right? Because evidently, going the speed limit is a chore. While most people are on the road in order to reach a destination, these drivers just want to enjoy the ride. The drawn out, unnecessarily extended, achingly slow ride.

3. Speed demons with attitude

We’ve all been victims of the stink eye. Unlike the slow drivers, these precious passengers are on the move and have no time to mess around. Usually found on the highway, the stink eye driver is a professional at passing everyone in his path. But the art of passing isn’t the only thing these drivers have mastered. If the person in front of him isn’t going fast enough, the stink eye driver will change lanes. After doing so, he turns his head toward the driver who was previously in front of him, and stares. Hard. Lips in a tight line, brows together and one eye larger than the other from pure rage, he makes his frustration known. And then he floors it and moves on to find his next victim.
Mission accomplished.

4. Get off me, bro

After pulling onto the road and realizing a slow driver is on the loose, some might think things can’t get any worse. Surprise: they can. Because when the tailgater makes his appearance, rock bottom has been hit. Now, things really can’t get any worse. But don’t fret, these drivers just want to get acquainted with the cars in front of them. Much like those who have no comprehension of personal space, the tailgater just wants to bond with his companions of the concrete. He expresses his love by riding other cars’ bumpers, leaving a generous inch between himself and the vehicle in front of him. It’s like a marriage, except the victim wants no part of it while the tailgater drives his prey to the point of insanity. Now that’s what I call the American dream.

5. Silly biker, roads are for cars

Technically, they aren’t drivers. But since bikers have invaded the roads, they have become menaces to civilization and must be addressed. Clad in their Lance Armstrong-esque latex biking apparel, these bike-riding bandits can be found smack dab in the middle of any road. Don’t even think about driving around them because bikers are also veteran users of the stink eye and aren’t afraid to whip it out. Bike trails were created for a reason, so use them as opposed to the road. Plus, I’m driving a car, while a biker is on a bike. If you annoy me enough, well… do the math.

So students, take these critiques to heart not just for my sake, but also for all mankind. All I’m asking is that drivers respect the traffic rules, go the speed limit, quit the stink eye and cut back on the tailgating. Maybe then driving to a destination can become less of a hassle and a better experience for all.