A horrible trend is sweeping through KHS halls. Just last week two seniors and a sophomore were seriously injured in a crash at the intersection of the science and math hallways due to withdrawn walking.
It is not clear why students choose to text and blindly careen through hallways, smashing into lockers, bouncing off doors and mowing down students left and right due to preoccupied pedestrians. However, the results are excruciating, extensive and totally not made up. According to the American Society for Protecting Pedestrians from Other Pedestrians Not Paying Attention of America, or ASPPOPNPAA, 10 freshmen die every year due to upperclassmen tramplings as a result of distracted walking.
Despite the world’s best intentions, texting and walking is not a problem that can be solved with time or iPhone apps. Fortunately, I have devised a solution. Actually, 10 punishments.
1. All your shoes will be stolen. Good luck paying attention to your newest text message when you have to avoid various spills you are bound to find in the halls of a high school.
2. Your tricked out iDroid 4G will somehow end up in your non-fat Grande Choco-loco Mocha Bean Frappucino with caramel and extra whipped cream. You won’t be able to save it because you will be screaming, “Oh no, my tricked out iDroid 4G somehow ended up in my non-fat Grande Choco-loco Mocha Bean Frappucino with caramel and extra whipped cream!” and by that point, the phone will have short-circuited and exploded.
3.Two-time repeat offenders will have their thumbs removed.
4. Three-time repeat offenders will also have their big toes removed. Big toes look too similar to thumbs and could, through evasive surgery, be placed on your hands as thumbs.
5. You will have to read Twilight. After you’ve read Twilight, you will never want to read anything again. Even a new text.
6. You will be eternally irritated when your phone is put on silent forever. You will never know if you have received a new message and you will check your phone every 10 seconds to see if you just got a text. Much of the time, you will be disappointed.
7. Your contacts will all be changed to names such as Martin Luther King Junior, Kim Jong-Il and Napoleon Bonaparte. You’ll feel pretty silly texting Napoleon. He didn’t even have a cell phone.
8. Banana peels and untied shoe laces will go out of their way to trip you. Be prepared.
9. Everyone around you will start speaking in horrible British accents. Very true, it won’t get you to stop texting, but you’ll be very confused and upset.
10. I’ll take away your phone.
