Delusional. Berserk. Deranged.
All are synonyms of “crazy.” We’re all accustomed to it, but rarely has it been demonstrated in such an attention calling and demanding manner. This generation’s epitome of crazy? Charlie Sheen.
Sheen’s partying ways and absurd antics are hardly a new development (it began in the 90s), but this time he’s found a way to take his blatant insanity to the next level. A level whe
re his outbursts of unadulterated rage are routine and ‘winning’ is a lifestyle. Most importantly, however, is that Sheen’s delusion has him convinced that his horrendous actions are justified. And, shocking as it may be, I all but agree with Sheen’s extremely public ways of life.
But who am I to judge? Sheen is clearly a superhuman, blessed with unbelievable powers and thoughts which will enlighten us all and truly make this world better. A fine example of this came in the form of an interview with ABC’s Andrea Canning on Feb. 26, 2011. When asked about his drug use, Sheen claimed he “took more than anybody could survive.” Luckily, Sheen attempted to legitimize his should-be-fatal-and-most-likely-is-but-don’t-doubt-him-because-he’s-a-gift-to-society drug use by saying he survived, “Because I’m me. I have a different constitution, I have a different brand, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood.”
Oh, right. I knew I’d seen that special excerpt in our nations constitution that states, “All men are created equal, except for Charlie Sheen, who has his own constitution, so please obtain a copy of this non-existent document in order to properly judge Mr. Sheen.” But wait, not only does he have his own constitution, he comes equipped with, wait for it… tiger blood. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, real tiger’s blood courses through the maniacal veins of the Charlie Sheen. However, don’t bolt trying to get your hands on this magical fluid. Tiger blood is only issued to those who are able to produce a copy of their personalized and individual constitution at the time of purchase.
But there’s more: according to The Book of Sheen (which is a new religious work on stands now), Charlie isn’t bi-polar. No, that’d be absurd. In the same interview with Canning, Sheen is adamant that, “The earth is bi-polar. I’m bi-winning.” Well, that’s wonderful to hear because not only is Sheen a bi-winner, he’s immortal. Yes, that’s right, Charlie Sheen told ABC that “dying is for fools,” and his drugs wouldn’t lead him to death.
How so? Sheen has the ability to cure himself. Impossible? Of course not. According to Sheen, his home remedy to cure himself is to “close [my] eyes and change [my] brain. It’s nothing complicated. Nothing.” It’s stunning to think that people actually attend rehab and support groups to change their habits when, evidently, changing a brain and kicking addictions is so simple.
So let us observe as the craziness that is Charlie Sheen ensues. We’ll continue to practice ‘winning’ and training ourselves to cure ourselves of tangible issues in the blink of an eye. Beware: it might not be as simple for us actual humans as it is for Charlie Sheen, superhuman. Let frustration lay by the wayside as we wonder why we can’t be on Sheen’s level. After all, not all of us are fortunate enough to have tiger blood. Rawr.
