When I was a freshman, I dreamed of having a beard. I admired the upperclassmen who sported everything from goatees to chin straps, and I prayed that by senior year I’d be developed enough to at least rock a soul patch.
Well, halfway through senior year, I can practically count my stubble on my fingers. I average about one shave per week, and my five o’clock shadow—if you can even call it that—only shows up during daylight savings. I used to classify the muster of a man by the strength of his stache, but bitter resentment in my own lack of face fur has me looking at the bright side. Before you consider growing your own chin carpet, consider all the positive sides to having no facial hair.
Staying young
Of course kids always want to appear older than they are, but cherish your smooth cheeks while you can. You may not be able to get into a club, but at least you’ve maintained your innocence.
Sex appeal
Sure, a rugged Brad Pitt might be a chick magnet, but doesn’t the guy with the smoothest face always get the girl in those Gillette commercials? A handle bar mustache may have gotten you a hot date in 1976, but this is the 21st century. Keep the skin under your nose smooth.
Historical significance
Plenty of great historical figures have kept their razors close by. When Mozart wasn’t composing symphonies, he was putting on aftershave. Lance Armstrong took it a step further and shaved his whole body—a Fu Manchu causes too much wind resistance. And who could forget our first president free of facial hair? Before George Washington cut down the cherry tree, he shaved his peach fuzz.
There are moments when I yearn for the wisdom of a polar-bear-white Stephen Platte mustache, or the lumberjack-esque scruff of David Drury’s preseason beard, but I restrain myself from letting those primordial urges get the best of me. For those of you who can rock the muttonchops or mustache, keep up the great work. But unless I become a nomad in the arctic or accidently fall asleep for 20 years, I can’t—and won’t—be rocking whiskers anytime soon. Sorry Mr. Platte, I let you down.
