Being a high school sophomore, I know everything there is to know about the entire world. My vast knowledge comes from the countless reality television shows on the air, which are all absolutely real. Here are a few of my favorite nuggets of knowledge.

Dance Moms has taught me that to get better at dancing, I should allow a fat woman to verbally abuse me. If I can get my mom to suck up to the fat woman who is supposedly teaching me, then she’ll pay more attention to me in class and give me more solos at competitions.

Breaking Amish has taught me that I should become Amish so I can go to wild parties in New York.

Theresa Caputo of Long Island Medium reminds me time and time again that I shouldn’t flinch when a complete stranger approaches me and tells me what my dead relatives want to communicate
with me. Such an encounter is completely normal.

Four Weddings and all the variations of Say Yes to the Dress have taught me what weddings are really about: expensive dresses, venues and food. Oh yeah, and there’s also something about spending the rest of your life with somebody else who you love. But it’s mostly about the dress. And also bringing friends to your dress appointment who will tell you what you want to hear, not
the truth.

Best Funeral Ever has taught me that I need to make an exit in style. Funerals are as much about glamor as weddings. In fact, I should probably start planning my own dream funeral now, seeing as I’m 15.

With this wealth of knowledge at my fingertips, I don’t even need to come to school. I should just lay on my couch, eat chips and watch some quality, educational, reality television.