1. Watch thy tongue. If you wouldn’t say it to your grandmother, you should keep it off the Internet. There are only two exceptions to this rule: if you are quoting someone or trying to make sense of how amazing Beyoncé is.
2. Thou shall respect. Calling people out on their stupidity is not worth it. Especially if they are just craving attention. If you must, say it to their face. The only thing worse than that is subtweeting. Obviously, others are going to see that you and #oomf are not getting along. Play nice and save yourself from unnecessary drama.
3. Thou shall remember some things are private. The rest of us do not want to know what happened in the bathroom after you ate that beefy, five-layer burrito at Taco Bell. Nor do we care. If it crosses your mind to tweet anything about bodily functions, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
4. Manage thine pictures. Was your friend’s head in the toilet on Saturday night? Your underwear, I mean costume, was really cool on Halloween. Did you get it from the lingerie section at Kohl’s? Truth is, people judge. And those people might be admissions board members, employers, teachers, or your boyfriend’s (or girlfriend’s) mother.
5. Limit thine tweets. But seriously. Unless you are “LOL” funny, five tweets a day might be pushing it. Any more than 10, and your name better be Rob Delaney.
6. Thou shall not drink and tweet. Just don’t. You will probably end up deleting half of those tweets you purposely did not auto-correct the next morning anyway.
7. Limit thine conversations. There is a reason we have text messaging on our phones. The least one can do is direct message.
9. Save it for thy therapist. We get it. Who isn’t going through something tough? It is okay to say that today was not the best, but some people feel uncomfortable knowing that you are drowning in a pool of tears because you are having relationship problems. If you are a little down, think about tweeting something that makes you smile. It might help.
8. Thou must not serial post. We do not want to see the same picture on every social media program you can get your thumbs on. We are friends on Facebook and I follow you on Instagram. If that same picture is on Twitter, expect to lose a few followers.
10. Be thyself. Twitter is not some vortex that magically converts you into a big sass ball of Sasha Fierce. If you are a quiet person, Twitter is not an outlet to make up for poor social skills. If you are loud, be loud (with self-control). Every one of us has what makes us special. Let’s keep that.
