*This piece is entirely satirical.

Teachers, let’s cut right to the chase. I don’t like homework. You don’t like grading. So why does homework still exist? I’m no expert on the high school chain of command when it comes to giving out homework, but I’m pretty sure you could just… not. So, what’s the hold up? I’m starting to get annoyed, and can you blame me? Lately, due to the workload from my classes, I’ve only been able to spend three hours on my phone after school. That’s simply not enough. And let’s be honest, we both know homework is just a fear tactic used by teachers to establish authority and torture children. There’s no real “educational benefit,” so you can give up the act. Homework sucks, and it’s time for a change.

To be fair, I’ll start by admitting I kind of did this to myself. But, frankly, I was severely misled. Sure, everybody told me the honors and AP classes would be “challenging” when I signed up for them, but nobody told me they were actually going to be hard. I mean, I actually have to try in order to get a good grade. It’s a joke. I haven’t had the motivation to do homework since the second week of school, let alone try my best on it. And if you think I don’t put off all of my work until the night before the due date, you’d be wrong. So cut me some slack. I didn’t ask to contract senioritis as a freshman— it just happened. 

I do, admittedly, appreciate the administration’s efforts to establish “no homework weekends.” But, some of you teachers so kindly ignore that “no homework” rule and assign work anyway. Granted, you won’t technically break the rules, but you’ll certainly throw a week’s worth of homework on us right before that weekend, so we can “have it on our minds” for the due date set the day after we come back. And as compassionate and forward-thinking as that is, I personally do not want to have those assignments “on my mind” during one of the only weekends I’m allowed enjoy my fleeting childhood.

Look, I’m a reasonable person. If you can’t get rid of homework, I would settle for more days off. I know teachers don’t get a say in anything as important as days off, so I’ll shift my focus to administrators for a second. Admin, I need more days off. I know there’s a certain number of school days required by the “law,” but come on, live a little: I won’t tell if you won’t. If not, and you’re adamant about being boring and staying legal, at least stop being stingy with the snow days. You’ve set aside six days for inclement weather. And we’ve had one snow day. One.

Don’t get me wrong, I love staggered dismissals and awkwardly scraping ice off my windows in front of my classmates as much as the next guy, but I think I might enjoy getting a healthy amount of sleep a little more. And even if it’s not snowing, I’m willing to take one for the team. I can “slip” on “ice” right before school if you’ll send out the tweet saying it’s too dangerous to go to class. And why stop in the winter? Once we get into the hotter months, I’d be more than willing to tamper with the AC and fake heat exhaustion if it means not having school. Sounds like a win-win to me— what could go wrong?

But back to the teachers: between you and me, I don’t think the administration is going to care what I think. So, I have another solution for our homework problem: make it optional. Gasp! Scary stuff, I know. But before you freak out and start whipping out the obviously fake studies over the “benefits” of homework, let me explain: I know myself. I know that when I fall asleep during class, I’ll need to do some extra homework to catch up. But most of the time, I do pay attention, and I learn everything I need to know from your perfectly executed, highly-informational lesson plan. I don’t need to do the packets to reinforce what you just taught me, because your curriculum is so good that I learned it the first time. So, essentially, if you still assign homework, you’re telling us that you’re a bad teacher. But it’s not too late to change: make homework optional. Or, at least, make it worth less points. That ten point formative grade shouldn’t be dragging me down a letter grade.

Finally, I’d like to briefly state that the teachers I’m referring to in this article are none of my own. You guys are perfect. Seriously, perfect. And if me saying that makes you want to throw some extra credit my way, I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. Just some food for thought.