This piece is entirely satirical

Dear KHS administrators, 

Why do you hate us? KHS students want to be able to use the vending machines. Every day, students walk past these snack and drink-filled machines, but instead of using them, they complain that they are closed during school hours. Even during lunch, you can’t purchase any drinks or snacks. Long classes and difficult schoolwork can make anyone hungry and thirsty, but there is no way to get rid of these issues with the only snacks in school locked up. For me and most of the student body, these machines create a lot of confusion and irritation.

Many times I have forgotten my water bottle and wanted to buy one from the vending machines, but I couldn’t. I could use the drinking fountains, but who knows what those nozzles have touched. For all I know someone could have wrapped their entire COVID-19 filled mouth around it. If I want to be safe from COVID-19 but it is hard to do so by drinking water from where so many other mouths have been. By opening up vending machines, our best interests and health are kept in mind.

The vending machines are closed during lunch, which makes my blood boil. I know we are offered lunches from the cafeteria, but honestly, they don’t look that appetizing. You never know if you’re gonna get soggy chicken nuggets or overcooked ones. Am I expected to get through the entire school day with no snacks? I’m a teenager, I’ve got a lot of responsibilities to juggle, like catching up with my friends, schoolwork and my nagging mom. I’m forgetful, so I can’t remember to bring extra food to munch on throughout the day. 

The idea of having vending machines is great, I just wish I was able to use them. After talking to Assistant Principal Jeff Townsend he said the reason they are closed is so students don’t linger during the day and for COVID-19 safety. But, honestly, a vending machine has never caused kids to linger. It is more likely that you see 30 girls in one bathroom stall than out by the vending machines. If kids are going to stand around during class, it won’t be out where teachers are.

 So many people have been upcharged by the machines or completely gotten their money stolen by the machines. The school thinks that these machines can steal our money and that we won’t notice. It’s like taking candy from a baby, unreasonable and ethically wrong. I’m sure that the administration wouldn’t be happy if their money got stolen by the vending machines, so why should we let them steal ours? These machines can’t be depended on to be open or to charge us correctly. The vending machines also would give KHS a better profit if they were open more, the whole school would benefit from this, not just our stomachs. 

Pioneer Perks is opening, and will be serving KHS students and staff different drinks. Will this cause students to linger? How is this different from the vending machines? They both serve drinks and both should be used.

I have never used a vending machine at school, but I have dreamt of doing so. When I close my eyes, I imagine a KHS with working vending machines that, charge correctly and are open all day. A place where you can buy snacks and drinks whenever you want. That is a place where I want to go to school. 

Sincerely, 

Everyone