*This piece is entirely satirical.

Students all around KHS are developing the symptoms — bouncing knees, pale faces, worried expressions and a wandering mind. They are clinging to the windows and reaching toward the ceiling, battling for a better connection. 

Once you cross the threshold between the outside world and KHS, the bars in the top right corner of your phone will quickly flicker out. You have reached the deadzone. Good luck trying to use any technology besides your school computer for the rest of the day.

Remember when KHS students were allowed on the guest WiFi? Well, they flung us off the “internet boat” to fend for ourselves. The reasoning? Too many people on the same WiFi was clogging up the theoretical “WiFi pipeline” and slowing down KHS’s notoriously speedy “internet plumbing.” 

In all honesty, the internet connection to our phones should be the least of their worries. Why not allow us to play something during class other than 2048 Cupcakes? Nobody is working that hard during their history class. KHS should prioritize improving the WiFi to our computers instead of banning our phones to internet exile. The normal school connection is constantly going out. It’s like the KHS administration never gets tired of speaking over the intercom system to let everyone know that the WiFi is down. There is nothing better than being on your GoogleDoc, attempting to complete your assignment, when the “No Connection…” alert pops up. By the time you reload your screen, the document is of course lost and you now have an extra homework assignment.

According to a TKC Instagram survey, 89% of KHS students believe that they should be able to connect to the school’s guest WiFi via their cell phones. Majority rules, right?

Wrong. Instead, students are going through mobile screen withdrawal. It is amazing that more students aren’t going to the nurse for dislocated shoulders the way they’re stretching their arms, attempting to get service. Are teachers not curious why students are begging for seats next to windows and away from the cement blocks that seem to reverberate any satellite waves trying to come into the building?

To combat these seemingly unsolvable issues you can try: 

Plan A: put your phone in your backpack and try not to worry about it. This is your best option. It isn’t like anyone is going to be texting you anyway. Most likely your entire social life is also suffering from the effects of the deadzone. 

 Whoever chooses the best option though? 

Plan B: set your phone on your desk next to you and check it every 30 to 60 seconds to see if it actually buzzed or if you were just imagining it. Keep reloading your Snapchat and resending your failed text messages. It will totally work eventually… not. 

All in all, pray to the WiFi Gods that this pressing first-world issue is eventually absolved. Because how else will we be immediately alerted when there has been “An Incident at KHS?”