*This piece is entirely satirical

When the bell rings at the end of the day and school lets out for winter break, dreams of sugarplums, Christmas lights and binge-watching Netflix dance in students’ heads. But for seniors, winter break is anything but carolers and candy canes. They must bundle up and prepare for the endless list of questions brought on by family members wondering, “Where are you going to college?”

The sparkling colored lights suddenly turn into a spotlight and the once-welcoming dinner table turns cold. Your hands are now shackled to the table and you find yourself in the interrogation room. There is no escape.

By Christmas, seniors may not have even applied to college yet. Some may still be waiting on their acceptance letters, or have been accepted but need to decide which school will get their $100 enrollment fee. And others may simply not want to go to college. It really doesn’t matter though, because an “I don’t know” will not suffice for the prying aunts and uncles, so you better figure out your answer. Fast.

They may only talk to you annually when the holiday season rolls around, but they need to know every detail about you. To them, your life is one big season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and you, my dear senior, are Kim. 

Now that the spotlight is finally on you, closely follow these steps and you’ll hopefully make it out of the hot seat alive. 

One: choose a college that everyone knows. Something that isn’t too studious, but still a respected university. It doesn’t matter if you will actually go there, just have an answer to keep smiles on everyone’s faces. 

Two: whatever you do, don’t say that you’re undecided for your major. The jingle bells will go silent and the sweet smell of cookies will suddenly diminish as all heads in the room turn to you with jaws hanging open, hinged in disbelief. 

How do you not know what you want to pursue for the rest of your life at the age of 17 or 18? You don’t have your five-year plan mapped out? Better yet, your ten-year plan? 

Undecided is equivalent to unmotivated, unsuccessful and unprepared. You should know better. So pick a major, any major. They are as plentiful as the needles on the Christmas tree displayed in your living room.

If you followed this seemingly simple two-step plan, then congratulations and a happy New Year to you. The spotlights go out and your hands are uncuffed. You are free again. The cold interrogation room fades and you are back by the fireplace now ready to go on with your Holly Jolly Christmas and tearing open your gifts as you originally intended. You are in the clear, but beware — grandma is perched in her recliner, plotting to ask about your love life next.