The “First Date” Couple 

Nothing is more nerve-racking than a first date: sweaty hands, hair fiddling, shaky voice. I advise going to your nearest ice cream shop and grabbing a cone together. It’s perfect because the date will be short enough that you can quickly escape if you end up despising the other person, but it still gives you time to get to know one another. 

The “PDA” Couple

Are you the couple who can’t keep their hands off each other even in the presence of others? You should buy tickets to a hot new movie, and remember to sit dead center so everyone in the theater can have a good look at you. Then, right when the lights dim and viewers start shoving handfuls of popcorn into their mouths, start aggressively making out. I’m sure everyone will appreciate it. 

The “Cougar/Manther” Couple

If you’re in a couple where one of you is significantly older than the other and you are nervous about going out for Valentine’s Day because you fear others will judge, don’t fret. The oldest person, or the chauffeur (since they’re the only one who can drive), should pick up the little one. Then, go to a park where you can both swing on the swing set. Later, go back to the babysitter’s house to have a playdate in the basement.    

“The Situationship” Couple 

You both are too scared to text on Valentine’s Day, so nothing happens. 

The “Lovers’ Quarrel” Couple 

Do you feel like you and your partner are going through a rough patch in your relationship? Well, I advise you to go shopping at the mall. As you drift from store to store, make back-handed compliments on what your partner bought, like “you’re so brave for picking that top!” in order to fuel the angst. Then, to wrap up the date, get into a very public fight at the food court where everyone around you is extremely uncomfortable but can’t stop watching. 

The “Letterman” Couple

Are you the couple that cares more about your muscle mass than your significant other? Well, for Valentine’s Day, I have a perfectly-crafted itinerary. First, start off with a pair of homemade creatine mocktails to get you energized for what’s to come. Second, go to the gym and take a mirror pic immediately when you enter. Finally, have a bench press competition. Or if it’s leg day, do pistol squats.

The “Friends with Benefits” Couple 

Not knowing what to label your relationship can be confusing. That’s why a late night drive is the best option for you. But instead of driving, just find a quiet place to park.