*this piece is entirely satirical

Instagram, I love you. I love endlessly scrolling and looking at photo dumps, life hacks and even baby ducklings being bathed in Dove soap. The only short side about you is my parents hate you. They hate all social media. They love to blame all the world’s problems on it even though they probably are just mad they don’t know how to use it. Because of that, here’s a list of all the reasons social media is “toxic.” 

Social media helps introverted or socially anxious people connect to a social environment. According to a Harvard University study, 25% of teens said social media helps them feel less shy and 28% said it makes them more outgoing. The only thing we don’t need in 2023 is more people talking – especially if they aren’t going to learn how to make friends the old-fashioned way. It’s time to put your big-girl pants on and talk to someone like your grandparents did in the olden days. It’s really not that hard. 

Senior citizens feel more connected to society because of social media. The most terrible thing is when you come across a video of a cute little grandpa showing you how he makes dinner for himself because his dead wife would always cook these meals, and making videos of it reminds him of her. Ew. And the worst part is, the comments are filled with support and love for the old man. Don’t they realize we left guilt-tripping back in 2022? Unbelievable. 

To be successful, you need a real job.  Careers in social media have made such a large jump in the work world that they made “CNN’s Top 100 Careers With Big Growth” list. The only thing worse than wholesome TikTok videos is “influencers” using their persuasion skills to affect trends and make millions of dollars off of brand deals and social media posts. And don’t get me started on social media marketing. It’s not like we have an entire class at KHS that focuses on the sickening importance of social media’s influence on business growth.

The balance of work and play is not a thing anymore. Using social media will guarantee you a spot on your mom’s half-broken pull-out couch in the basement. The only way to get out of this fate is by working. I’m talking, sweat-dripping, hands-dirty type of work  –  none of this TikToker crap. Social media being a resource for outcasting the creative and different career paths a person could choose is ruining the chance of success in the future. No one should actually enjoy their job. 

Social media is an outlet for outcasting social movements. Why did Tarana Burke think she could use social media to broadcast the #MeToo movement, a worldwide sexual assault awareness movement, to encourage millions of people to speak out about their sexual abuse stories? Or why did Black Lives Matter get millions to stand for justice against police brutality? And I know you did the Ice Bucket Challenge in 2014, so you know how social media takes away the independence of struggling on your own.

Overall, social media is everywhere. Social media is not going anywhere any time soon so might as well get the most out of it. Whether that’s seeing what your friends and family are up to, or finding a video that makes you cry laughing and sending it to a long-distance friend, social media will always be one more way to connect you to the people and things you love most.