Contrary to popular belief, God did not rest on the seventh day. Instead, he created the most offensive, grotesque and frankly, disappointing presidential candidates known to the history of mankind. Donald Trump and Kamala Harris, you’ve gotta love ‘em. On one side of the ring, a woman clad in stiff pantsuits who seems to constantly be losing at the Try Not to Laugh challenge. On the other side, a man with worse self-tanner than a Kappa Delta at Alabama University. Trump v. Harris. MAGA v. AI crowds. Bleach blonde Utah curls v. blue hair and septum piercings. The ultimate showdown, in which only one will survive, because you too would kill yourself if you ever lost to Donald Trump or Kamala Harris, the worst Presidential candiates America has seen since, well, ever.
Before I get any further, congrats to all the rainbow clad liberals out in the world. Joe is out, Kamala is in. Biden was a sore excuse for a president, who brought nothing more to the table than the energy of a blubbering senile who escaped his room at the old folks home for- Demorats. His debates were sloppy and reminded me of the first “Godzilla” movie, old and made to please the Japanese. But hey, let’s take after that ole fart and simply forget about that, let’s fantasize about our new gal, Kamala Harris. Harris climbed her way to the top of the ladder with resilience and grace, not afraid to handle hard things aq2nd always ready to get her hands dirty. Just ask Willie Brown for confirmation, who worked many long nights alongside our Vice President while working as her superior. Still, I’ve always been able to look past that and focus on her political takes. Throughout her campaign, Harris has taken pride in her stance to reverse the recent changes to Roe v. Wade, and to that I can only say congrats. You believe in basic human rights. Whoop-ti-do.
On the other hand, Trump has taken an extremely opposing stance, his reasoning being based on his prolific theory that West Virginia’s previous governor was allowing and encouraging abortion in the ninth month of pregnancy. Let me point out a key factor in the previous statement: this is just one of the many “theories” Trump has fabricated in his political history. In just the four years that the former president was in office, The Washington Post claims that he made over 30,573 false claims, 492 of those being in the first 100 days of his term. One of my personal favorites of his being that he has “never had a drink in his life,” a statement that is hard to believe coming from the owner of the Trump Vodka company, and sounds eerily similar to a sophomore in line for the homecoming dance. Still, if his statement is true, it leaves me with one recurring thought: he was sober throughout his entire presidency?
Abstinent or not, no one can deny that Trump is entertaining. From telling fables of wanting to seduce his own daughter, Ivanka, to blasting out unpredictable and offensive tweets (resulting in an unhappy, banned Donny), Trump keeps Americans on their toes, with one hand always reaching for their passport. Even before his presidency, Donnie entertained America with the construction of both Trump Towers, the grander of the two sitting near Central Park, making Trump the second worst blow to ever hit New York City. Still, making fun of an American success story like Trump is just wrong. I mean, he built his legacy from the ground up! That is, if the ground is considered to be his father’s checking account. However, as I’ve already mentioned, Harris has also built her prominence from the ground up, the only difference being that she only had to work her way up from Brown’s office.
Looking past her previous scandals, Harris may also be a promising candidate. And though she strikes me as the kind of president that would truly be fun to watch, (if you live outside of America), I will also admit that her whole campaign feels both empowering and regressive at the same time. Like the type of thing that I would not feel comfortable reviewing if I was a white guy, but would still end up giving five stars because voting Harris might just be the best way to contradict racist allegations since “but I voted for Obama” became overused three days after Sept. 20, 2013.
Last year, TKC published the story “2024: Don’t worry, it’s next year” by Ian Reno, a story that successfully scared the KHS population into avoiding election talk at all costs. But now, with Nov. 4 hauntingly approaching us on the calendars, it’s time to face the facts. Harris and Trump, they aren’t the best, but they certainly aren’t the worst. That would be JD Vance.
