*This piece is entirely satirical.

Tom Brady is officially washed up. Quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a virtually unknown football team, his 2021 campaign produced an unconvincing record of just 11-5. This man is simply too old for the football field. Born before sliced bread or toilet paper, experts claim he was raised by dinosaurs. When you are older than the sport you play, it’s time to go. Brady’s time to shine has passed. 

Speaking of shining, we need not mention the brand new 2021 Super Bowl ring adorning his finger, joining the other six he has championed. Who cares if Tom Brady alone has more Super Bowl wins than any other franchise in NFL history? Of course, he has a lot of wins – the man has been in the league since 2000. He’s practically prehistoric at this point.

It goes without saying that Brady used to be good. He was selected for the NFL Pro Bowl 14 times, an NFL record, but he hasn’t been on a Pro Bowl roster since the long-lost year of 2018. He has won the NFL MVP award three times in his career, tied for second most in history, but again, this is a thing of the past. His most recent MVP award dates all the way back to 2017, truly a different age (kindly disregard the five Super Bowl MVPs he has, including one from this year’s Super Bowl LV). The final nail in Brady’s coffin was his departure from Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. As a Patriot, Brady won six Super Bowls and 17 division titles. How can ol’ Tom have any success away from his 20-year legacy team?

Evidently, he can be at least partially successful away from Belichick and his Pats boys. Brady joined the Buccaneers for the 2021 season, a new low for the once-successful starting QB. He managed to scrape together a questionable 65.7% pass completion rate, falling far short of 2021’s leader, Aaron Rogers, who completed 70.7%, a whole 5% more. Couple this with his underwhelming 40 regular-season touchdowns, tying him for second overall on the season, and Brady’s heyday of success has passed. If he wants to be recognized as the best QB of all time, is the best he can manage really second place 21 years into his career? 

Of course, Brady does have the most career wins of any quarterback in the NFL, with a career record of 230-69 (Brett Favre and Peyton Manning sit in second place at 186 wins each). However, wins are insignificant. One’s success can, and should, be measured solely on their siblings’ success. Here, Brady holds no token to the NFL’s rising phenom, Patrick Mahomes and his TikTok star brother, Jackson Mahomes. Jackson, having over 950,000 followers and 31.2 million likes on TikTok, far outshines anything Tom can ever hope to do. What’s worth more: seven so-called fancy rings or nearly 1 million online followers? I think the answer is pretty clear. 

Add on to this Brady’s subpar hair situation. Whereas Patrick Mahomes has flowing, luscious locks of hair (and is sponsored by Head & Shoulders), Brady merely possesses a flat mop on his head. While it has gotten better over time (something quite uncommon for football players; I’m looking at you, Drew Brees), Mahomes has Brady beat left and right. Ever heard of the phrase “look good, play good?” It’s a wonder Brady can even throw a football straight. 

The Greatest Of All Time (GOAT) quarterback has always been a hot debate. Is it Joe Montana, undefeated in all four of his Super Bowl appearances, Peyton Manning, known for his football IQ, or the one and only Tom Brady? By definition, there can only be one GOAT. And with nearly 80,000 lifetime passing yards, seven Super Bowl wins and over a dozen more NFL records, it definitely can’t be Tom Brady.