It’s easy to think standardized tests like the ACT are just simple benchmarks used to measure students’ learning as they head towards higher education. The truth is, in fact, these examinations are much more. Just think about the benefits of standardized tests. For one, a student who spends their time studying isn’t out on the streets, where they could potentially get their hands on dangerous substances like heroin or communism. They also teach young people the simple life lesson that the best way to get ahead is to outcompete and utterly crush the competition. In essence, these tests aren’t just the soul of the education system; they are the American dream. For these reasons, The Parsnip has assembled a handful of tips about how KHS can improve students’ ACT and SAT scores. Hopefully this modest proposal ensures KHS will be able to compete with educational superpowers like the People’s Republic of China and Clayton High School.

First, it is painfully obvious the gym is not a great setting to host these tests. What the school needs is a testing location free of any kind of distraction. The clear solution is to contract a maximum security prison. With each student enclosed behind bars in their own personal cell, they will have only one thing to focus on: their future. And since their future depends on performing well on the examination, scores go up. It is really quite simple.

Next, science has repeatedly shown aerobic exercise helps stimulate creative instincts and can boost scores. The best way to use this fact to KHS’s advantage would be to require students to complete a basic triathlon the morning of the test. Not only would this increase blood flow to the brain, but it would essentially use natural selection to ensure that the only students to take part in the test would be in tip-top shape. The best. The smartest. Those with the vigor to survive.

These solutions may seem harsh. They may even seem cruel. It is important to remember, however, these steps need to be taken. Children are the future, and sometimes the future needs to be heartlessly shackled to the engines of progress.