*This piece is entirely satirical

As a proud mother of five who has access to the handy internet, I see myself in a position of great power this Halloween season. But as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. I have the responsibility to warn all other moms about those nasty creeps who hide dangerous items in the kiddos’ Halloween goodies. Poison, sharp objects, live animals, it just ruffles my feathers! Of course Halloween should be celebrated as a joyous day, but it puts your children at a high risk for serious injury which will hinder their innocence for the rest of their lives. If you let your children trick or treat, you may as well be dropping them off at the local crack house with a sign saying “load me up.”

Seeing my little rays of sunshine roaming the streets looking for a tasty treat frankly scares the heebie jeebies out of me. Now I don’t want to be dramatic but you should definitely fear for the lives of your little ones as they face what may be their certain demise. Though we live in one of the safest neighborhoods in the nation, it can get pretty nasty from time to time.  Just last week a group of rascals threw toilet paper all over Old Man Jenkins’s house, and it was one ply! What kind monster would even own that paper towel abomination excuse for toilet paper. I also saw some boys riding skateboards the other day; luckily I yelled at them for no apparent reason, but those degenerates could have done some real damage. Like I said, it’s actually quite a “rough and tumble” suburb.   

If you thought razor blades in apples were bad, my 6-year-old boy, Tommy, found a meat cleaver in his fun size snickers bar. Imagine that! Some creepo tried to sneak a knife into my boy’s candy! Don’t even get me started on Skittles. More like SkitKILLS. My 8-year-old Teddy nearly downed five whole marijuana pills disguised as the the little sweets. Of course super mom over here managed to save all of my children from permanent disfiguration but that’s just all in a day’s work. My children were upset that they weren’t allowed to eat any candy, but it was for their own good. After dopemom.com wrote about how children who had found live hand grenades in one of those Kit-Kat bars, I can take no chances. They most likely will be even more upset when I notify them about the protective padded case I will be locking them in this Halloween. It’s clear there is no other way to keep them safe.

Believe me, I love Halloween and all of the cute DIYs; this time of year my pinterest page can’t keep up. It’s hard to make arts and crafts without any scissors or any sharp objects in the house but if there’s a will there’s a way. But I digress, halloween is fun but the only way to spend it is inside of a  padded cell praying. For now we’ll all just hope that Wal-Mart will see my petition to move Black Friday into September. The general idea is that you should let your kids enjoy the  Halloween festivities, just preferably from within the safety of their mothers arms.              

Tune in next time when I describe the Trail of Tears in excruciating detail to my family during Thanksgiving dinner.