*This piece is entirely satirical

Brian is at the golf course. As he gets an afternoon to golf with the guys, a constant rush of names flows through his head; his wife is expecting a baby in a few months. The naming process is in full effect and in mid-swing of his golf club, it dawns on him. He wants to name his child something attached to success and admirability. He wants the name of his first born son to be something truly monumental, “Brian II!” He shouts, following through with the swing. The golf ball swiftly veers off course and plummets into a nearby trashcan, precisely where his name idea should follow.

There are a lot of things you can call your newborn baby: a little angel, bundle of joy, God’s gift, but your own name shouldn’t be one of them. It’s just hard to imagine any sensible human being genuinely having the thought, “Wow, I would really like to name my child after an admirable person. Oh I know- me.” Of course there’s also the argument that this naming process is tradition, but it’s also tradition to let a groundhog predict the weather every February. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think we should take either too seriously. And honestly, you’d be better off naming your child Punxsutawney Phil, after the groundhog, than yourself if you’re so fond of traditions.

And are we going to talk about how unoriginal it is to name a child after yourself? You’re essentially using the “name a first son” formula to get a name. People like George Foreman, a former professional boxer, seriously confuse me. He has named six children after himself, five George and one Georgetta. Big yikes. Honestly it just seems like a missed creative opportunity, especially when you can easily get a book with 10,000 baby names in it. Who likes their own name that much anyway?

Sure, naming a child after an admired loved one (given that it’s not you) is endearing and continuing a specific family naming tradition is reasonable. If Brian II has a child and decides to name him Brian III, it doesn’t hold the same egotistical background. The problem is it takes on a whole new essence when it’s just one person wanting to pass down their own name. Not to mention it just creates unnecessary confusion within households. Having two people living in the same house entail at least 18 years of constant, “Oops, wrong Brian.”