*This piece is entirely satirical

We all know and love the time spent trekking through the halls of KHS. The incessant yelling for no apparent reason. The continuous squeak of tennis shoes on tile floor. The people standing in the middle of the hallway who apparently never learned how to walk. It’s a blessing that we get to spend upwards of an hour each day in this divine space.

Class is fun, sure, but the walk to class is my favorite part of the day. Spending 10 minutes walking to social studies instead of two is a much better use of my time than learning why we have a president instead of a Sultan. And it gets even better when I get hit by a door as someone flies out of their classroom. I sure do love showing up to class five minutes late with my arms covered in bruises.

Speaking of bruises, when people run right into me and don’t apologize, it makes my day. It’s confusing to get trampled by students who for some reason are trying to get to class as fast as humanly possible. I just don’t get it: why would anyone want to spend less time in the hallways?

The best game to play in the halls is “see how many people you can fit in a line across the hall so no one can get through on the other side.” It is quite amusing to watch people take on the challenge of walking on the left side. Always a good time.

The halls aren’t a place to follow school rules, obviously. Texting while driving might be illegal in Missouri, but texting while walking is perfectly safe. If you aren’t looking where you are going, there is zero chance of you running straight into a wall and even less chance of you walking directly into the person in front of you. You don’t have to watch where you are going just like you definitely don’t need to look both ways before you cross the street.

I must say, it’s quite comfortable to be crammed in with a crowd of my clamorous classmates and there’s no reason to be claustrophobic. Besides, that means there are more people to watch you and your significant other kissing by the stairwell. Because public displays of affection are adorable, especially in the middle of the hallway when people are trying to get to class.

We need to practice for the real world and in that world, traffic exists. The reality of life is, sometimes you get hit by a flying backpack. Sometimes the person next to you has their music turned up so loudly in their headphones that you can hear it over the locker slamming contest going on across the hall. Sometimes people randomly start singing. And yes, sometimes we actually do get to class on time.

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