*This piece is entirely satirical

Ever since we first got the iPads back in the glory days of middle school, the semi-permeable membrane that is the Kirkwood firewall has protected us from harmful websites that may hinder our learning or expose our young minds to heinous things such as pornography, the deep-web and, worst of all, games. If we didn’t have this firewall, kids would be distracted by pornography and cool-mathgames.com all class. This firewall gives us access to 100 percent of the good, school-friendly websites and keeps us out of every single inappropriate website ever. Here are a few of the websites which are blocked for the good of the students and their innocent minds.

YouTube: Youtube is a festering hole of lies and sins. Youtubers are satanists and the videos they make are full of vile acts. Fun fact: the Youtube logo is red to represent the flames that Youtubers will burn in during their eternal damnation. Needless to say, it’s a great thing that Youtube is blocked so there’s no way our fragile minds will ever encounter it, at least not in school.

EdPuzzle: There are no reasons that any student should be on EdPuzzle.com. None. Nothing productive is ever accomplished on this website. You’re probably saying to yourself, ‘What’s so bad about John Green? He seems innocent enough.’ And sure, on the outside he’s innocent and quirky, but deep down, John Green is a murderer. In every single video, he promotes the extermination of fascists with the use of his computer, hence the phrase, “This machine kills fascists.” This is in direct violation of the Sixth Commandment (“Thou shalt not kill”) which is, you guessed it, a huge sin.

Spotify: Spotify is filled with wretched rap music which could pollute the minds of KHS students. The music on Spotify is littered with curse words and drug references. God forbid any students listen to this and start “sippin’ on lean” during class after listening to Lil Pump. Spotify sends inappropriate ideas directly into the listener’s ears and we obviously can’t have that at school. If Spotify was unblocked, it’d be bound to happen sooner or later.

Netflix: Students must be focused all the time. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year. There is no such thing as ‘down time’ or ‘fun’ at KHS. Relaxation leads to laziness, which leads to a lack of caring, which leads to drugs. Netflix must be blocked in order to keep kids off of this dangerous path and save lives.