*This piece is entirely satirical

I take a look outside. The snow is melting, the flowers are blooming and the weather is finally warming up. Disgusting. Spring is supposed to be a time of growth; a time of new life. Well, the emergence of spring certainly cannot warm my frozen heart.

I wish winter would last forever. You get to gaze out frosty windows and watch the beautiful snow drift from the heavens, blanketing the barren landscape. Some critics dislike the cold weather. I say that’s what overheating with fires, itchy sweatshirts and scalding hot chocolate are for. People are barely outside anyway; the cold only makes the warm-spirited season that much better.

But let’s talk about the other seasons. Spoiler alert: They suck. Spring is boring. Spring weather consists of short, rainy days and shorter, rainier days, and that’s about it. Summer does get to have school off. But for some reason, too many people decide to waste their summers laying around in their local supersized bathtubs in a futile effort to tan while dodging the moist heat and mosquitoes. Finally, fall is a time of decline, where daily temperatures fluctuate more than the stock market and you never know what to expect.

Let’s get back to winter’s glory. In comparison, winter features beautiful brown grass that crunches softly under your footsteps and slippery slush that keeps you on your toes on any paved surface. The season’s simple bony trees show their strength by riding out the hardy cold. This bitter cold is worthwhile because it allows beautiful half-inch snowfalls and snow days to happen about once every two years.

Winter has a holiday like no other. Instead of people celebrating a holiday on a particular day, perfectly sane, healthy enthusiasts have the impulse to play Christmas music year-round. Every year, Christmas becomes more than a day or even a month: It’s a lifestyle.

I will try to hold onto the winter spirit as long as possible, but at some point, I guess I will have to face reality. I’ll walk out into the somewhat warmer rain, and quickly head back inside to continue to enjoy pleasurable spring cleaning.