On the brink of riches, or so I thought. From the first investment, I knew I would be on top of the world. Throwing money at the internet with an unclear way of how to take it out was a business venture I had to get behind. Being a savvy investor, I saw the overwhelming success of Bitcoin but chose to diversify my options. From there, I searched the web in search of a distinguished form of cryptocurrency, the likes of which would have brought me to the top of the internet investment food chain. Now I can’t even afford food.

It really doesn’t make sense to me how I ended up living off welfare since I followed all of the steps on freewebmoney.net. They guaranteed me millions and I honestly can’t think of a reason why they would steer me wrong. Plus, not that I’m trying to brag, but it’s worth noting that I’ve watched The Wolf of Wall Street five times. I may not know where Wall Street is, but that doesn’t mean I’m not qualified to dump all of my money into the market.

The grind wasn’t easy. The first $7.85 I got from scrubbing vomit stains out of the Chuck E. Cheese carpet went straight into my first share of ButtCoin. I figured this would be a safe investment for my first contribution, as it was stable crypto, obviously reputable and on the rise. A week later I realized that this was not the case. Buttcoin was on a steady decline. I was beginning to regret my decision to quit my job after working for only one hour. I hadn’t lost faith in the crypto market, but I needed a way to get more dough to invest in my next grand scheme.

I then had the genius idea to create a GoFundMe page called, “Raising Money to Send Toys to Blind Orphan Children.” Luckily, it raked in fat stacks so I immediately took every penny of that $5,000 and invested in something way more safe and reputable: ScamCoin. You see, ButtCoin was obviously a silly investment and I had realized my mistake, but ScamCoin literally couldn’t fail. With the acronym Super.Cool.Awesome. Money, I knew that my wallet would soon be bursting at the seams.

Now all I have to do is wait. Knowing my money, credit card information, social security number, address and my mother’s maiden name is in safe hands, I can sit back and relax. I’m glad to see my life is finally on the upswing. Anyway, my internet is almost out of time on the public library computer and I think they’re starting to get suspicious. See you later when I’m swimming in a pool of cash.