*this piece is entirely satirical

Many public figures commit crimes. Everybody knows that. Prosecutors are on some gas because they crack down on celebrities, rappers, in particular, so they can go back to sitting on their hands. Y’all gotta chill out. Instead of trying to set an example that could lower crime rates, they should sit back and let people run free. It’ll work out fine.

The fake news media be trippin’ too. They label rappers like Tay-K or Kodak Black as dangerous only because they lightly discuss slingin’ drugs and cappin’ cops. Big whoop. Let them talk about what they’ve been through. Let them use their freedom of speech or whatever. To help bring out the stupendous talent from emerging rappers like Lil Pump and Cardi B, we as a society need to give rappers full immunity from the law.

To the average American fool, Tekashi69 does not appear to be a model citizen or person. He was arrested in 2015 and 2018 before being charged for racketeering, or dishonest business dealings, as a member of a gang. Eh, people do worse every day. The only thing Sir Tekashi actually did wrong was that he got caught. He clearly sacrificed his dignity and future to teach kids an important lesson: it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught. My hero.

Eminem done goofed a bit with the law, ‘cause he “concealed a weapon” and “assaulted someone.” Slim Shady is just a dog you ain’t tryna mess with. And just like Tekashi69, Slim committed crimes for a reason. They were for research. Eminem reaches his audience through his eternal saltiness that he steady showin’ in albums such as “The Marshall Mathers LP,” “Recovery” and most recently, “Kamikaze.” Let this dude spit some heat and feed Americans’ anger in peace.

I gotta bring up my boys Mac Miller and XXXTentacion (rest in peace). The then-rising artists had some probs with the pigs. Gun possession, robbery and assault were among the charges X “pled guilty” to while Mac spent time in jail for marijuana possession and battled addiction. They had some trouble, but it sucks we only appreciate them now they’re gone. Since this is the first time any artist ever died young, society will never be able to move on or learn from their lives.

Many other greats have been “caught” getting firsthand experience, such as Meek Mill, Lil Wayne and Tupac. Since they got fat stacks of green, they couldn’t possibly use their time and resources to keep themselves out of trouble. I mean, they’re only successful because their twisted minds wildly oppose friendly America. Let’s take a stand to protect music, all of its voices and all of their messages. I mean, I never got enough of Tekashi69’s deep music.