*This piece is entirely satirical

Driving is supposedly a chore. I think driving is joyous. And it’s only getting better. More people are on the road, phones provide entertainment while we drive and cops enforce speed limits less because they finally understand they’re just suggestions. Driving is a swell time, and here are three reasons why:

1. People are safe drivers because they get so much experience prior to the test. Permit drivers must drive at least 40 hours before they get their license. It’s a law. All laws, especially those associated with driving, are always followed. Therefore, even kids who knock down the practice cones on every parallel parking attempt or couldn’t be bothered to ever use a blinker will be excellent drivers from the get-go, as long as they get that passing 70 on their driver’s test. Man, the supposedly convoluted driving laws and requirements make the roads a safer place.

2. Something they can’t teach you on the test: who has the right of way at stop signs. You can’t learn it there because everybody already knows who goes first: whoever arrives first, while ties go to the driver on the left. I think. I’ve only ever seen two outcomes occur at stop signs. Either someone arrives first, they stop, and then go, or two people tie, one person motions to the other to go, and they do. I’ve never seen people motion to each other for five seconds before they both hit the gas at the same time. These days, I sit and wait for the entire street to clear before I move an inch. That way, I’m like every other driver: making a quick, safe decision. Purely friendly and cooperative interactions at stop signs make the endless Kirkwood four-way stops an awesome part of driving.

3. My favorite part of driving is how people drive at three different speeds. The old farts manage to always stay at least 5 mph under the speed limit, the majority of people think they’re somewhat rebellious as they drive 3 mph over the limit and the people who go 10 mph or more over who test fate and cops’ patience. They each have their own benefits. The slow roller in front of you lets you take in the world around you like they used to do before all this new-fangled technology. The normal speed is the default, comfortable speed. And the fast mentality helps you actually get where you want to go. Any speed is great. Even though driving slightly quicker would’ve let you make that light. But hey, at least you get to listen to those tunes, relax and show up to that important interview fashionably late.

Driving melts my stress away and makes me genuinely happy. It is consistent, reliable and soothing. Hell, sometimes I drive around at around 5 p.m., happy to trudge through Kirkwood or Manchester Rd. traffic. The variable speeds, constant stops and being around skillful drivers fill me with pure ecstasy.