This piece is entirely satirical.

It’s a dark and scary October night. Thunder and lightning shake the foundation of your historic home. Lights flicker on and off and suddenly your ceiling light falls right where you were standing. You feel a cool breeze brush by you. What could possibly be the explanation for these terrifying events? The lights couldn’t have been flickering because of the storm, and the ceiling light couldn’t have fallen because you live in an old home: no, that would be crazy. How can you explain the cool breeze? Air conditioning? The only logical explanation for what happened is that your home is haunted. Here are five ways to know if you’re living in a haunted house.

1. An old home with a dark history is the first sign that your house is haunted.
The haunting could have been caused by a tragic death; maybe murder. Honestly, anything dreadful happening in a house could cause a haunting such as a black cat, broken glass, or death. If your house was built on cursed ground such as a sacred burial site the haunting could only get worse. If so, your house will not only be inhabited by spirits, but anyone who lives in it will be cursed for eternity. Before you buy your next home, make sure to check that the house doesn’t have a dark past, or you could meet the same fate.

2. Objects keep disappearing in the house.
You’ve lost items in the past, but not like this. At first, you’ll blame it on the fact that you are still moving in and everything is unorganized and chaotic. But after the chaos settles down, you can never find your car keys, and you haven’t seen your grandmother’s bracelet since you moved into the house. This is another sign your new home may be haunted. Ghosts and other spirits love shiny objects and playing tricks on the living, so next time something goes missing or your shoe reappears in the freezer, don’t blame your terrible memory, blame the ghosts haunting your home.

3. Feeling unsettled?
Someone is watching you. You might get told by friends and colleagues that it’s just your overactive imagination and paranoia, probably caused by binge watching “Supernatural” and “Stranger Things” at odd hours of the night. But, you know the truth. You might be running on four hours of sleep, but what do they know?

4. Odd noises and chilling breezes.
Have you ever been lying in bed in the middle of the night and heard an odd noise out of nowhere? You may think it’s just your pet moving around, but then you hear the noise again. This could be another tell-tale sign that your house is inhabited with spirits. (And let’s not forget the sinister feeling of a chilling breeze brushing past you that sends goosebumps down your neck and causes your heart to race, a feeling that can only be caused by a ghost.) It could just be the wind rustling against the trees and blowing a cool breeze into your home, but no, that can’t be it.

5. Weird near death experiences.
Have you ever almost been killed in your house? Whether you tripped over air, fell down the stairs or had heavy objects fall off shelves as if caused by nothing, these are all instances where a ghost is trying to harm you. A good example of this is a Hydro Flask falling off of a desk without anything disturbing it. This could only have been caused by a ghost trying to connect with the living world or, worse, kill you.

If any of these five signs describe your home, you may be facing a haunting. If your house matches up to three of the five you are for sure haunted, but if you recognize all of these signs in your own home, call “Ghostbusters” now. Don’t stop to think that maybe it’s just a coincidence or your mind playing tricks on you, that’s what the ghost wants you to think. Whatever you do, don’t take a second to think about this logically because the only explanation is that your house is haunted.