Hi. It’s your new favorite “Gemini,” and I’m here to tell you how zodiac signs are a hoax. How can a pattern of stars tell me everything I need to know about myself? How can they “predict my future” or tell me who I’m compatible with?

I’m going to be completely honest here, astrology confuses me. A simple article explaining my sign feels like an “all about me” project I made in second grade. It’s like my computer is stalking me. Can they hear what I’m saying? How did that Buzzfeed quiz I took last week labeled, “Can We Actually Guess Your Zodiac Sign Based On Your Food And Drink Preference” know I was a Gemini? What gave it away, the fact that I like pizza? I prefer Sprite over Dr. Pepper? This theory is dumb, because my birth month has nothing to do with my personality, or food favorites. Seems like a lucky guess to me.

Astrology dates back very far, 1500 BC to be exact. People would use planets, stars and birthdays to predict individual destiny. When I looked up my fate on Google, I was told I would be a great “bubble gum wrapper joke writer.” No, really, costarastrology.com told me so, and I think I’ll take it as a compliment. Clearly the motive behind astrology has changed quite a bit over the years. I highly doubt ancient Mesopotamians predicted that each other would be bubble gum wrapper joke writers.

Even from back then, there is no scientific evidence to back up that zodiac signs are real. The horoscopes we read about ourselves are vaguely specific. They are so detailed, which makes us think they are true, and that we relate to them on a personal level. Yet, they are so vague and random that our imaginations can alter them to fit anyone we want them to.  

For instance, when I looked up my horoscope on the internet, it said, “There is never a dull moment when you’re around a Gemini.” Does this mean every other sign is dull? Are Geminis truly the greatest astrological sign? That same article by prepscholar.com said, “Geminis love to be the center of attention.” A statement like this can be true for any other sign as well. After all, everyone is different. With astrology, people pick and choose what they want to believe. While one Gemini may be the most talkative person you know, another could be shy and closed off. 

When Googling “Gemini flaws,” you would be surprised with what comes up. Did you know Geminis are most likely to get involved in crimes of fraud? Like seriously, who comes up with this stuff? They also tend to be “indecisive, impulsive, manipulative, and judgmental.” I don’t judge anyone…OK maybe I am a little judgy, but this characteristic doesn’t only apply to me.

One takeaway you should have from this piece is to always remember, if you ever see me in the news for committing a major act of fraud, know that it’s justified. XOXO, your new favorite Gemini.